A Wrestling Card…produced by CHoPS booked by Bacon

10.18.08 | 2 Comments

So CHoPS has layed down yet another daunting challenge:

…By the way bacon, I know you dont like doing it but here is the card…post how you’d book it…I got your back if there is am issue with the boys…

Alright boys…here’s how it goes down:

In the opening bout
A Dream Match 30 man over the top battle royal with Kevin Nash, Kevin Sullivan, Brian Clark, Brian Christopher, and Major gunns

Match 1: While Kevin Sullivan kills everyone in the ring, he becomes distracted by Major Gunns but only momentarily, because the REAL distraction comes when the surprise entrant 6-30 is his ex-wife Nancy Benoit Zombie!

(too soon?)

In the second

Match 2: Match starts hot and heavy and it’s all Koko…boy he can put away that turkey sammitch…what…you didn’t say turkey?  You said Frankie?

OH, WOW…that’s a mess…Sandwich wins!

–Three hour intermission–

The crowd gathers after the 3 hour intermission, disgruntled after they lost the raffle for the Bret Heartt autographed sunglasses (even though Hart was miss-scribbled and the sunglasses didn’t really look liked they belonged to Bret)

…but hey, the raffle ticket was only $15!  And the promoter’s son won.

Third match
War Games Style match with villanoes VI and XXII team up with the conquistadors to take on the team of Alex Wright, Lenny Lane, the original Disco Inferno and Samoa Joe

Match 3: Once all the participants get in the ring…Disco, Alex, and Lenny just keep dancing only to be attacked by their partner and all legitimately injured (What? Wrestling’s fake? Maybe, but Joe doesn’t know that).  After Joe hits his own partners with his new finisher, The Tubby Fat Fat Lard Fat Flying Whining Fat, the Villanos unmask to reveal…

Sika and Afa


and Haku/Meng (who even as a car salesman is a bigger baddass than any wrestler alive)

These four men don’t just make Joe tap, they rip Joe’s arm off and tap for him for tarnishing the good name of wrestling Islanders for all time!

Forth match
A fifteen-man-pinfall-or-submission-elimination-dance that see Ricky Steamboat takes on Sting takes on AJ Styles takes on Jerry Lynn Takes on Jerry Flynn Takes on ten meerkats

Match 4: Steamboat comes to the ring first, followed by AJ, then Sting.  These fierce competitors glare at each other as the music hits…

Yep, they’re Japanese Meerkats…kick ass right?

And finally, Jerry Flynn hits the ring, as all the match participants, security, and referees proceed to kick the crap out of him and carry him out, despite his pleas that he’s a wrestler and not just a crazed fan who jumped the rail.  Yeah right buddy.

First eliminated: Flynn

The action continues as Steamboat hits a double cross body block on Styles and Sting, then karate chops 4 of the meercats.  Unfortunately, not understanding the rules…the rest of the meercats began licking themselves and hiding under the ring where they are promptly eaten by the Boogeyman

Second Eliminated: Meercats

Just when it looked like “The Dragon” was going to control this match he was disqualified when the ref saw a kid holding a toy, that reminded everyone how dumb Steamboat was made to look when he returned to the WWF after his World Title run in WCW

Third Eliminated: By fashion DQ Ricky Steamboat

Due to contractual obligations of the remaining participants, I was forced to turn creative direction over to TNA booking for the end of this match…

With Sting and AJ fighting tooth and nail in a classic bout…all of a sudden, former WCW talent, The Maestro shows up and starts a slow clap for the participants

only to be crushed by Awesome Kong

Not that Awsome Kong…

THAT Awesome Kong!

While all of this is going on, a wrench falls from the ceiling, AJ grabs it and nails Sting.  Just as he does, a toolbox falls from the ceiling knocking AJ out cold.  With both men out, Kevin Nash saunters to the ring, grabs the mic and utters, “See, I told you things were gonna be happening.”  The match ends in a no contest, as the announcers to go crazy…”WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!!!!!????!!!!” cries Don West.  We don’t know, NOBODY knows.

Intermission dark match
Donny Fargo takes on nightstalker.

Screw this match dude…I’m handcuffing Fargo to the ropes, and putting a Twinkie just out of reach…the old bastard will die of a heart attack, and I’ll give Stalker the night off…if somehow Fargo lives, he can move into JW Wildfire’s eagle room and be a vegetable, And bitch to Manda that JW is stiffing him when he’s spoon feeds him gravy.

Semi main event
A WW3 style bout in which the winner has to answer “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?”  Combatants include:Kid romeo, Sick Boy, Horace Hogan, Rick Fuller, Glacier, Maven, the guy from high voltage that teamed with rick steiner, bull buchanan, blitzkreig, bobby blaze, mortis, Kanyon (I know Hip), the flying dragon, Alex Wright (we were short on guys and needed him to work twice), and Lash Leroux

Semi-Main: This match starts with some confusion when 4 Flying Dragon’s show up…but one (the shortest and meanest one) seems to get the upper hand tossing the other imposter FD’s and then trying his “I’m a Fruit Bat, Mutha F@#*a” move, much to the other competitors’ dismay.

All the combatants were never seen again…AGAIN!

Main Event
A best of seven series that sees a hotdog eating and cream filling removed from a twinkie, three way dance, Ladder match between Maria, Kelly kelly, and Mickey J

Main Event:  Really I mean really…sounds great on paper

And I know how CHoPS hates to be corrected but this is Mickey J…even though he probably meant Mickey James…this is still good though, and he definately wins!!!


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