Here’s the long-awaited part two of “On the Road with Joe Pat Bacon.”

So, as I was talking about signs, I got the idea for this blog. So many signs for so much crap. I first noticed this trend in my many trips to Myrtle Beach. No less than 562 1/2 billboards between Ashville and the Atlantic can be seen for “SOUTH OF THE BORDER,” home of nuts (goes without saying), fresh fruit, souveniers, fireworks, and more. However, you don’t find out what they have until you get within 20 miles of the place. In the meantime you see just sign after sign with a very stereotypical Mexican spouting off phrases that make you go, “HMMMM, what is this damn place and why ain’t I there, amigo?”

I am a sucker for good marketing, and that usually doesn’t include billboards, but in this case, however you were able to pull off that many is beyond me, Mexican shit stand, so kudos to you.

The same thing can be said for these official NUT peddlers in Georgia. Why are we as tourists so excited to stop and get frickin’ pecans and jalepeno jelly in a different state? Salt water taffy? These stands oughta have dentist offices in an adjacnt buildings, they’d make a killing.

Now while I haven’t been to “SOUTH OF THE BORDER” or the “PLANTATION PECAN FACTORY OF DOOM,” I can imagine exactly what they have there.

Why, you ask? because I did stop at a place, whose 169,943 billboards were very friendly and inviting. “REAL FLORIDA ORANGES, INDIAN SPRING FLORIDA WELCOME CENTER.” This must be the one I’ve heard so much about. First “EXIT 165.” What!?! I’m only at exit 80?!!? Then, “JUST 50 MILES AWAY,” oh snap! Then “THE CITRUSY GOODNESS WILL BE TOUCHING YOUR LIPS IN JUST 25 MEASLY MILES” And finally, “EXIT HERE BITCH AND GET YOU SOME DAMN ORANGES!”

So, what would this mecca of oranges look like? First impression, a bad Shell station (yes they had pumps) that you say, “Let’s go on to the next one, honey, I can hold it.” But wait, there are two different buildings laid out in an L shape, both with 20 foot long troughs just overflowing with Oranges, and an old Native american dude, in a Tazmanian Devil t-shirt sitting out front half asleep. Upon further examination, we noticed that the fruit in question (the oranges not the Indian) was quite bruised and not very appetizing.

Well, I thought, maybe the good oranges are inside, out of the heat. We walked through the door to the smell of orange that made our mouth’s water, but no oranges to be seen. As a matter of fact, I think someone might have just sprayed orange pledge on the doorknob. Either way, the crap inside this place was something to see. Well, of course we had our jams, jellies, hot sauces, and that damn taffy, but also alligator heads. Who doesn’t want a scary gator jaw open wide on your desk?

So where are the good oranges? Maybe in building two.

We make our way past Chief Snoozing Fruit to go to the other place, only to realize it’s a single-wide with more craptastic crap than the first place. Yes trailer heaven is where you’ll find “Theme Park T’s” as they call them. So, we thought, wow, we should get our Disney crap here at a discounted rate. Check the price tag on the Disney shirt we had just seen in the park, now here at this glorious location, 19.95. Yup the same damn price. It was then and only then we noticed this wasn’t the same shirt, as this one, emblazoned with Mickey, Donald, and the gang proclaimed, “WALT DISNEY WORLD 2006!”

“Hey look mama, we were here two years ago, time to get the shirt. And it’s only the same price we’d have paid for it then.”

Besides the outdated shirt selection, they also had keychains with pictures of Stitch and Nemo, with the words “DISNEY” not so inconspicuously covered up with the word “FLORIDA.” And finally in the store, a whole wall of shell sculptures! Holy Shit man, the greatest gift of all time, shells glued together to look like a frog using a fishing rod, I’ll forever remember Florida now!

So the quest for good Florida oranges squashed at the one and only “INDIAN SPRINGS…blah blah blah (there were two more we passed before we left the state, dammit). But, there is one place to get treated to free Florida orange juice in a friendly and clean environment with no hassle or shell statues…that comes in the next blog.

Peace bandits

Bacon