Now that the Bacon’s are officially in the new Bacon Palace, I thought it only right for this unemployed, lazy, fat guy to get digital cable.  Not only can I watch all the soap operas I want while DVRing episodes of the View and Steve…what the hell happened to Springer?  Anyway, the sleepiest tech dude I’ve ever met, got to work, got me installed and left his bill behind.  As I began to read it, I saw several lines under the “Work Completed” section that went unchecked.  So, what are these “works” that I could have requested?  I’m glad you asked.

Now I understand the meaning of NEW OUTLETS and PHONE JACK, but quite a few of these checkable boxes make me want to know what they are and honestly to call back for more service.

VCR HOOKUP – Now I get this one, but honestly…who calls for this service.  I suppose if you still have a VCR, you probably wouldn’t know how to hook it up.

TRAP REMOVAL and TRAP ACTIVATE -  

Yes my friends, who knew that the Insight folks understand as Bandits do the dangers of such things as Clowns, Zombies, and Corporate A-holes.  Or maybe even a combo of all 3

(okay it’s a stretch, but I had to use this pic somehow)

Once your trap is activated you may watch Golden Girls in peace and once your trap is full, you can call the oh so tired cable dude and he’ll removal said trap and vermin within.

WALL FISH- Not to be confused with the FLOOR FISH

Not sure why anyone would call the cable guy for a wall fish.  As if the 800 channels I just got installed weren’t enough, now I need to stare at one of these

…and finally, the three lines on my bill that really have me puzzled: DISCO SERVICE, DISCO OUTLET, and DISCO N/P

I can only assume that if I were to call and ask for DISCO SERVICE, Mr. Yawny McWiresalot would show up at my door once again ready to boogie…and go even farther by installing an outlet that when anything is plugged into it, becomes instantly groovy!  Why just like Mav’s new pool accessory (not a lie or a joke) The Pool Disco light!

It’s like Studio 54 underwater…only without all the blow…but all the booze and nudity!

And speaking of nudity…the only thing I could figure out for DISCO N/P was Disco No Pants

Get it Sean!  What?  Nude disco dancing midgets too much?  OK fine I got TV to watch!