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Bacon

VH1 Storytellers: Bandits and the Women that Love Them

04.30.08 | 3 Comments

We all have our own ways of telling stories. When shit goes down, you know that I’ll be there to pass on the info in a BREAKING NEWS format. You know Dilz will have a story that rivals a movie script starring Jack Black, and you know CHoPS will do a one man show that has 50 sidebars, pantomimes, plus explicit lyrics. This is just how we are. So in my first, storytelling post here at the Dot Com, I’ll share the traits of Bandits and a few extras thrown in.

Me – When I’ve got something to share…I share it. If it’s important to me I’ll tell ya quick. (Screw you, your opinion better be that what I’ve got rocks! Period). I usually get all the details out pretty quick…that is if I remember to tell you at all. If I talk to CHoPS or Mav and say, “What! I didn’t tell you that!” It probably means I fell asleep before I called. Hey, it’s what I do.

Mav – He’s a sneaky one. Mav will creep in with a faint…”what are you doin’?” Then there’s a setup…ie the revealing of this web page.

MAV: “Check out sweatbandits.com,” he says, “What tools, those guys are! Damn posers! Now go to S-C-H-V-E…”

Bacon: “What, V-T?”

MAV: “V-E-T-B-A…”

Bacon: “shit-Vegetable? What the hell are you spelling?”

Anyways, finally we get the payoff, and I’m super stoked about this page, but by God that better be the reaction to whatever he’s got, cause if you don’t give him the “Good Golly Miss Molly…That Fan-Frickin’ Tastic!” he’s looking for, he’ll cry and you’ll feel like a tool. (Love ya Buddy)

CHoPS: Since he just called me with one…I’ll talk about his stories next. The master of all stories. Because if there ever was a day where CHoPS was awake, buddy he’s got a story.

CHoPS- “So, check this out…” he says standing up (he has to stand to tell a story, he keeps them in his butt cheeks and when compressed they cannot get out).

Here comes the event…it always involves getting pissed, even if it’s a happy story…he’s an angry little guy. Watch out for the sidebars. The cue is “…which by the way.” When you here that, we’re getting ready for a detour onto the highway of What the Flapjack are we talking about now…but it’ll come back…it always does. The cue for the comeback “…uh…anyway…uh so we’re hangin’ out…” Not sure why hanging out is always involved, but what better way for IT to GO DOWN than when you’re HANGING OUT. When all’s said and done, you’re thoroughly confused, but you know CHoPS is fired up about something. Don’t worry, if you missed it, he’ll tell it again soon…LOUDER! (Love ya buddy)

Dilz : He writes things that no one would ever believe if he didn’t live in LA. The great thing is that none of us have ever been there…so he’s probably lying through his teeth, and us hicks believe him.

Now knowing the Dilz that I lived with, the Dilz that walked on eggshells, even around two of his best friends, I know he’s not a confrontational guy.

Cave Springs Rd, Bowling Green, circa 2004 Dilz-“Bacon, you’re alarm was going off in your room…so I walked in to turn it off. I had my shoes on, so I thought I should vaccuum where I walked. Then it was uneven, so I just called Stanley Steamer and cleaned the whole room. It’s still wet, so you can stay in my room…I’ll sleep in the yard.”

Point Made: Dilz is too nice to be in LA. How do you deal with Rich Bitches, Pompus Celebs, Cranky Homeless Men, and Boy Banders without asking them to live with you and be your child’s Godparent. The truth about these stories…Dilz gives these wackos whatever they want…he takes back games theat are open…pays for them himself…and sends the customer invitation to the baptism of his future child featuring appearances by Nick Carter and Soggy Donkey. That’s how it really goes down. (Love ya buddy).

Danger: “So, what about my left nut falling off? Crazy huh?”

WTF!?! No set up, no lead in, not even loosening of the butt cheeks, just hits ya with it. That’s Danger. He acts like everyone already knows the story, so he works backwards.

“Yeah man, nut fell right off…lol…rotfl…pwn3d…Bew, whoo, whoo!”

Huh!?

Oh well, we all know whatever the story is, it’ll be much tamer when he tells his wife. (Love ya buddy).

Speaking of wives, let’s take a look at mine real quick…

I will share this from last night.

Me – “Amy Polher is pregnant”

Her – “With who”

Me – “Her husband is Will Arnett, he’s on SNL”

Her- “Is he the one with the straght-down hair”

Me-“What?”

Her-“The one who looks like he’s old? Maybe 40? But he’s probably 30 or something?”

Me-“What? No he’s the guy that does the bad George W. now that Will Ferrell is gone.”

Her-“Oh he’s the one that talks weird, like “Oh nyah, nyah”

Me-“I’m going to sleep” (Love ya Honey)

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