Fellow Bandits and other faithful friends, I present to you a brand new feature from the mind of Bacon. The lights dim and you hear a familiar voice, like the one of Jerry Seinfeld asking…”What…is..the deal?”

I will search the caverns of my own brain to find things that I just don’t get. Our first edition comes in the form of a mystery most of us encountered for the first time, way back in 1988…

Ah yes, who didn’t want to crack that puppy open and see where the second installment from those plumbing siblings (4th if you count DK and (not so super) Mario Bros.) Of course some of you
discovered this game on SNES as Mario All-Stars…and to you I say, “You’re too young!.”

In any case, once you’ve played Super Mario Bros. 2, you might start to scratch your head and ask what this has to do with the ever popular original…

The answer…NOT A DAMN THING!

As far-fetched as the original story may be, we were still willing to accept it. Two plumber brothers, who look identical, except their attire, are searching a magical land to save their beloved Princess (I refuse to call her Peach…who decided she had a name…15 years later…her name is Princess Toadstool). The brothers had to stomp on the heads of turtle guys, beatles, bullets, mushroom-looking dudes (different mushroom dudes than their buddy Toad who keeps getting caught in burlap sacks). They also had to jump and break bricks with their fists and hit question marks to gather some cash flow, all to get to the firey castle in which they’ll have to battle (ok more like jump over) King Koopa (again where the name Bowser comes in I don’t know) to save the Princess…oh crap another castle. Do it 8 times and you win. Easy enough, right!?!

So then comes Mario 2. At first glance, it’s pretty impressive…

The characters look better. You can tell the difference between Mario and Luigi (I guess this is where they decided Mario was the fat one). And check it out, you can play as Toad or Princess! And of course when the playing starts, they even have different characteristics, Mario is just good all around, Princess can float but has no hops, neither does Toad, but he’s fast as a sombitch, and as expected, Luigi is a little light in the loafers…I mean he jumps high.

Very shortly into playing the game you realize something is way different. The first enemy you try to step on just takes you for a ride. WTF!? That doesn’t kill him? No, but you can pick him up and throw him.

Next, where the heck are my question blocks and my mushrooms, and coins? Oh cool, there gone, but I get what? Vegetables, frickin’ vegetables! No fireballs, no foot smashing, I get to throw a turnip…this sucks.

At least it appears as if that damn King Koopa could only be doused in lava 8 times max…because he is noticeably absent from this game.

Instead NES has supplied us with a rag tag band of misfits for Mario Mario and the gang to defeat.

First you get to the one and only Birdo…

Ok she is a dinosaur? kangaroo? There’s no way she’s a bird…but a cute bow, her egg spewing, and her mood swings tells me it must be a woman. ZANG!

Throw the eggs back at her and you get to go into…oh there’s a bird! Instead of climbing a pole or hitting a block to declare, “I kicked this board’s ass!” You walk into a bird’s mouth and gamble with his slot machine. I don’t get it.

Finish the next board and you get to face…

Dammit! Not again! I mean Koopa is a BAMF, I could see him coming back again from the molten depths, but why is this crappy thing back again…and again…and again at least 673 times before you beat the game?

In reality this isn’t the only boss that comes back…so do several of the other enemies, who range like a who’s who in video game wussiness

MOUSER – How do you make a mouse intimidating? Put him in sunglasses and give him bombs…bombs that say “BOMB” when they blow up…hey Mouser I just caught your bomb and blew you up!

TRICLYDE – Snakes…why did it have to be snakes. This 3-headed guy spits fire that’ll kill you…it won’t however penetrate a jar…pw3nd TRICLYDE!

CLAWGRIP – Don’t let his name fool you…he never touches you with the claws…this lobster just throws rocks. Rock…Lobster…ROCK LOBSTER!

next up…FRYGUY

oh my bad…how could I have made that mistake…the only thing more popular with kids in the 80’s than Mario was McDonald’s…what the hell are you thinking Nintendo?

And finally…the Koopa ripoff WART – This fat ass frog blows dangerous bubbles to fend you off and you kill this obese moron by feeding him vegetables. There’s a lesson for you kiddos, if you get fat and slimey, don’t eat your veggies or you’ll die!

So how did this game appear out of the original Mario classic…I’ve found the REAL answer.

This was not originally a Mario game. It was called “Yumi Kojo: Doki Doki Panic!” A Japanese creation that the people we thought were so cool at NES, just dropped new characters into and put it out in the biggest game series ever! No kidding, Mario has replaced Imajin, the fearless son.

Princess is Lina the little sister. Toad is Papa. And get this…Luigi was originally pregnant Mama! This game ALREADY EXISTED!!!

That’s pretty disappointing, but at least now it makes sense…but just like everything else in the 80’s it can just be blamed on a dream…

I had a horrible dream you were going to be in a sitcom with Suzanne Sommers!

Mario, you better thank God that Mario 3 was awesome!!! Because all the Dr. Mario’s in the world can’t save you from what we would’ve done to you, if we’d have known how you screwed us as kids.

Now you know the DEAL with Mario 2!