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Bacon

What is the Deal? Who stole me marshmallows?

08.11.08 | 4 Comments

For about three years…I was really lacking. I woke up at 4:00am, grabbed a banana, or a power bar, or nothing at all and headed to work. More recently, my work schedule requires that I get up at about the crack of noon. But unlike some of the other bandits, I get up early…or relatively early anyway (that’s why I fall asleep at party time you see). Anyways, I did not realize until last week, of what I had been depriving myself
for 3 long years. Yes I have re-discovered my childhood love of sugary cereals and cartoons in the morning. In doing this, however, I have also discovered I am very disappointed in one General Mills and Lucky the Leprechaun for bastardizing a classic. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

WHAT…IS…THE DEAL

with Lucky Charms?

The commercial still plays in my head…Lucky is getting out smarted by the kids of cereal land…but remains jolly as he sings of his…Pink Hearts, Orange stars, Yellow moons, Blue diamonds and Green clovers.

Simple…Easy…Classic.

You know, I wasn’t even offended as a carefree 4-year old when they added the oh so magical Purple horseshoes.

But my friends…things have gotten way out of hand. These simple sugar charms of luck have been watered down so much…you’d think I was putting skim milk on them (that’s just wrong people).

Now I do remember being a little older and being pissed off at the addition of the red balloon. Why is that lucky?

Maybe, just maybe, it was a way for the little guy to pay tribute to his wilder days in the eighties. It’s a little known fact that Lucky lost his virginity in ’85 to a pixie after enjoying bowl of marshmallow goodness and listening the sounds of Nena’s “99 Luftballoons.” The next morning, she got clingy…he got nervous…gave her a blue diamond…but I digress.

Have you looked at a box of Lucky Charms lately? As I resumed my morning cereal enjoyment I grabbed a box and couldn’t help but notice in big letters: NEW HOURGLASS MARSHMALLOWS!

WTF, dude…you’ve gone off the deep end. But wait, that’s not all. Where are my original charms I grew to love? Well I managed after much digging to find a pink heart, and quite a few horseshoes. And wait…when the hell did the moons turn blue? As a matter of fact this doesn’t look like the cereal I knew at all.

So instead of the easy to repeat color/charm combo, we now have: Yellow trippy mushroom with orange leaves, Blue frickin’ moon, gay pride symbol, White volcano speweing forth orange molten lava, red sack of crap, Purple footwear from a gimp horse, good ‘ol Pink Heart, and Green Clover…now being grown in Hydroponic box.

So it seems as if some of the classics are missing and other classics have been modified…and don’t blink or the hearts will disappear before you know it. If you don’t believe me, just look at the chart prepared by my assistant Sarah…

The world is changing people…and we must do something. Maybe Lucky has given in to corporate pressure. He already gave into the pressure to stay young and hip by getting plastic surgery and botox. What’s next?

At least they still taste the same…For now.

That’s the deal with Lucky Charms!

4 Comments

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