After thinking and wondering and trying, as Bandits do, to top the others…I’ve decided to go forward on my Ten wishes, mostly for the fear that CHoPS will use his Jack Stattic powers to rip off my nose and put it where I would constantly be asking, “What smells like crap.” So, rather than suffer a “Radio Flyer,” here is the 10 wishes as prepared by Bradley Q. “Splash” Bacon…

1) It is widely known in the Bandit circles that I am the “fat one.” Yes if the Bandits were a boy band, (which we never would be just to be clear…unless the money was right) Any case, if we were a boy band, I’d be Joey “Fat-one” Fatone

Now call it chemistry, call it heredity, or call it denial…it’s just the truth. That’s why it makes me madder than a toothless dog with herpes that Mav can eat a meal built for 14 (he loves to eat in case you didn’t know) plus after he’s done he’ll finish his wife’s, my wife’s, and even my plate, but yet I’m the lovable flabby one and he’s the skinny AE model…damn you hypoglycemia, why can’t I have you.

No I don’t wish for Mav’s affliction, I just want to be able to eat like him, or even like ME for goodness sake, without gaining all the weight. Then maybe I could change my movie double from Dom Deluise to George Clooney or at least George of the Jungle.

2) A strange man walks up to me and says, “What do you think?”

Me: About what?

Man: The Dark Knight.

Me: Christian Bale is much more believable than say a salt and pepper-haired gentleman pictured above, but the new Batmobile just sucks.

Man: We could do dinner.

Me: What? Well I’d have to meet your parents first.

Man: Hold on honey, some gay dude is trying to proposition me.

As I look at him closer I notice the man had a brain growth that has been diagnosed as being caused by an extreme case of laziness, an unwarranted feeling of importance and an extended period of dicktatude. The growth looks like THIS…

Just think, ten years ago, we didn’t even have cells phones in our pockets, much less on our heads. Who the hell is so important that they can’t put a phone in their hand and put it up to their ear and talk. You, my friend aren’t as needed as you think. But since you are the epitome of vanity I will appease your ego and make my second wish just for you.

I wish that everyone who has signed up for the no call list gets their courtesy calls forwarded to you, and your little headset shall be implanted in your brain so no one can see it, because everybody knows that you only wear it so others can see how cool you are. So enjoy the credit card and policeman’s ball calls in your head and from now on if you want people to see you have blue tooth…get one of these

3) Let me set the scene…you’ve probably been in a similar situation.

I’m waiting on my lunch as a family, in the biological sense, fills the front door of this Mexican Restaraunte. The woman is African American, a nice looking woman, very well spoken. Her husband, a white guy, of whom I’m not saying he didn’t like his own race, but I will say he was wearing an “I Heart Colt 45 and Tyler Perry” t-shirt. Keep in mind this dude couldn’t have been more than 19 or 20 and he was being tailed by three kids all under the age of 4. Now, I have no issues with interracial couples at all…that’s not the problem…it just sets the scene. I also had no issues with the wife and the kids were really well behaved, but ol’ Dad, boy was he something.

When asked by the hostess if he wanted to sit outside, he declined due to the “bugs, and flies, and crap runnin’ round out dere”

He then sat down and inquired if I was waiting on a table. His wife admonished him for doing that, and he let her know that he was just “axing.”

Now, the most disturbing moment came when Daddy gathered the kids around and began to sing in the style of Lil Wayne …”Call me, and I can get it juicy for ya.”

After the wonderful song stylings, he got a phone call with an equally offensive ring tone, and turned down a job apparently that was going to pay as he said, “a benjamin a day.” His reason for turning it down, “I’m gonna make that regardless…ha ha ha.” What’s that mean?

So the wish…I wish these 3 kids and other good kids like them, would be sent to homes of good people who want to take care of them, but can’t have kids. Not to imply that Dad isn’t a wonderful Dad, he could be, but why is it that morons have a higher sperm count than your average person? QUIT HAVING KIDS, THEY’RE GROWING UP TO BE DUMBASSES LIKE YOU!! Idiots should have to take an IQ test to have kids, period!

4) Enough ranting for the moment…wish four…more venues for NUDE KARAOKE.

What better than belting Free Fallin’ while free ballin’

One Headlight while sporting two Headlights

How bout Blue Moon…

Come on…Beer, Nudity, and not quite professional singers…Everybody WANG Chung Tonight!

5) Next wish…I’ve heard enough about this switch to digital and all the TV’s will be obsolete, blah, blah, blah…thanks government for focusing on important things like that. Since you care so much about TV, Capitol Hill, go ahead and pass the law about pick and choose. You know, where you can order the channels you want to watch rather than getting 800 channels and only watching 14. I mean if I can see my wrestling and Comedy Central I’m pretty good. I don’t need to watch “Flip My House” on HGTV,

I think we did it wrong

or ” “The Fluppy Dogs” on Disney.

What the hell does Fluppy mean?

And I need Lifetime…

…like Meredith Baxter needs another black eye

Don’t make me tell you again woman…I know it was you that scratched the Delorian…Alex would never take it out without asking.

So, for this wish, I want what I want without paying for all the junk I don’t want.

6) All of the Schvetbandits understand marketing…in one way or another we are all involved in marketing. I get more frustrated than a Playboy subscriber with no arms when businesses don’t market themselves enough, or even worse, waste money on advertising the WRONG way. Searching on Google, I’ve found over 11,000 results for the exact phrase “Our Family Serving Your Family.” Oh gee, that makes me want to come to your place, how original. Everything from funeral homes, to apartment complexes, to banks, to Fire departments, and even something called Montezuma Burger (yikes, don’t drink the water) is using that phrase, and every damn one of em is thinking, “WOW! THAT’S GREAT STUFF!”

Oh, and check out these idiots…not only do they use the “Family” catchphrase, but they also use another vomit-worthy technique…”The get every employee together by the sign or van and take a picture” method of Marketing.

…As if someone is gonna say, “hey I’d really like the bald dude with the fu manchu to fix my faulty wiring”

I’m surprised their van doesn’t say “For all your electrical needs.”

My friends, this is why we are in a recession, don’t blame anything else. It’s because people don’t WANT to buy the crap you sell if you don’t make it look or sound worth it.

Wish number 6, I want to walk into businesses that advertise like this, Bitch slap the owner, and tell them, “That’s for all your douchebag needs. That was my hand serving your face.”

7) This one’s for Bandit Buddy, Hipster. GAMBLING! If I sparked your attention, then you need help. Just kidding. Even I like to bet on stuff every now and then. Slots, Texas Hold’em, Horseracing, not anything like how long will it be before somebody knocks this guy down and beats his ass with his own clubs.

It may defeat the purpose of gambling altogether, but I wish, if you should come out down, after a day or night at the boat or the track, the owner should hand you enough cash to let you break even and proclaim, “Hope you had fun.” If you win…screw em that’s your money!
Next wish…let’s focus on PETA. Now I like animals more than most, hell I saved a kitten from certain death on a four lane highway last week. Where was Pamela Anderson then?

Oh, yeah she was busy telling people they can’t eat chicken or go hunting. Listen, Pammy, while you and your Hollywood pals are hypocritically pounding fast food evil geniuses, you’re buying hundreds of thousands of PURE BRED dogs, because God forbid you get one that’s a mutt from the pound…My eighth wish is that Hollywood PETA types would be attacked by a mob of meat lovers, flocked by a pack of hungry stray dogs and overpopulated rabid deer.

9) BANDIT THEME PARK!!!!! The Schwaggiest place on earth!

I figure all the concession stands will sell beer and the rides will be themed for Bandits and Bandit activities.

And thanks to CHoPS who hates water and Mav who hates waterPARKS…no water rides.

-The Chest Chopper: The first ever roller coaster that imitates wrestling moves. Experience your own Hip-Toss, Arm Drag, Body Slam, Swing through the Super-duper High-flying Power-Bomber! Power-Bomber? Power-Bomber! Then the ride ends with CHoPS himself chopping you as you get off the ride.

-The Mav ‘Splorer: This indoor ride takes you through contruction sites, abandoned campsites, and even dryers, every ride is different, but one thing is for sure, when you get off the ride, you’ll need knee surgery.

-Danger Falls: No CHoPS, I didn’t lie…no water ride here…it’s just as it sounds, Danger…Falls. I Love slapstick comedy.

-Dilz’s Great LA adventure: Just get in a car and tour an exact replica of downtown Beverly Hills…the catch, you must ride with one of the crazy characters that Dan meets on a daily basis working in Cali!

-Finally take a sizzling ride on the Baconator. It’s a wild ride on a gravy train where your conductor inevitably falls asleep and the wagon crashes into a large pan of Bacon Grease.

All these rides plus, every theme park had it’s characters…Disney has Mickey and pals, Six Flags has Looney Tunes,
Bandit Land has the stars of Adult Swim!!!

10) To add to CHoPS and his wish for a Night of the Schvetbandits…we need our own portal or beaming devise if you will, that will transport us, whenever we choose, to our very own Bandit Headquarters. I picture it as a hybrid between three of the greatest places of all time…

Amen Brothers let’s party!