My friends, these aren’t the messages I’m talking about…I mean morals…things that didn’t come from some stoned and bored animator, but from the story itself.  And, yes I know that Disney didn’t create all these stories.  Some were re-created from fairy tales, but roll with me here, and beware before you set your offspring down in front of some of these classics.

1 ) It’s OK, She’s asleep!

A mysterious man slinks in, while a beautiful girl is sleeping.  Leans over and begins to kiss her.  That sounds like something out of a September Frat party on any college campus…The ones where every boy becomes a man (bigger, dumber boy), every girl becomes a woman (drunken whore), and every party turns into paradise (a lawsuit.)

First of all…both of these chicks are passed out for the same reasons as the girls at the I TAPPA KEGGA house.  Snow White got a hold of some bad apple, and if I’m not mistaken, The Beauty on the right is dozing because of a prick…that can’t be right…hey what do you know, that is right.  So there you go, two lovely ladies  tricked into slumber, then sexually assaulted by strange men…bad right?  No, they live happily ever after.  Shame, shame.  What kind of message is that sending our youth?

2 ) Beauty is only skin deep…so date the ugly bastard…he’ll change soon enough!

Now, how in the world could the moral-laden Beauty and The Beast have bad messages in it?  Well, 98% of the movie teaches a great lesson: It’s not the appearance that matters, it’s what’s on the inside.   Funny that when all is said and done, even though Belle has grown to love the Beast for who he is, the ugly SOB still turns into this dapper dude

Not to mention, all the cool inatimate friends turn into stuffy Brittish people.  So the lesson quickly turns to: Love them for who they are, but tell em to get some work done ASAP, maybe see Dr. 90210, and then, they’ll really live happily ever after.

3 )  Know the difference between love and lust…and if it’s lust give it all up, baby!

So, ladies, you see a guy that is drop dead gorgeous.  You’ve never hung out with him, spoke to him, or even met him, but DAMN he’s fine.  What should you do?  Disney says leave your family forever, give up a God-given gift, and get that dude, what could it hurt?

That’s just what this stupid fish did.  So, you’re telling me that this girl is so dumb, she would leave her rich Dad, and become a mute just to have…what do you call em…oh yeah…feet.  Oh, and to bone this Eric cat too.  What a superficial, ingrate of a daughter.  After all that, it’s no wonder her dad said, go ahead and be with that dude, we don’t want your fishy-smellin’ ass around here anyway!

4 ) Thou Shalt Steal.

In at least two Disney feature films, the message is conveyed that everything will be alright if you just take what you want.

Robin Hood mocks the fact that he’s a fugitive of the law, while gaining approval from the clergy, the royal family, and a fat ass bear.  Robin, while he did do some charity work, by giving to the poor, didn’t even bother asking for donations…he just swiped it from the folks that worked hard to get it.  That’s just lazy, Mr. Green Tights.  What would you do if someone stole your cute little hat?  Wouldn’t be so merry then huh?

and what about this criminal

That’s it buddy, just steal…AND LIE to get some action.  You ain’t no prince.  Quit teaching our kids that you can get where you want by rubbing a lamp and talking to a big blue floating guy.  Sounds more like you’ve been hitting some of that Middle Eastern weed.  I mean come on, a man comes out of a lamp?  Yeah right! And dude, that lamp doesn’t even have a bulb.  You’re a criminal and you’re high…Bad Bad Bad!

5 ) Don’t get me started on Alice In Wonderland

Way to go Disney.  Like this movie isn’t one big acid trip.  If that wasn’t enough, let’s just teach our little girls that it’s okay to talk to strangers, and lots of them.  It’s ok to have a tea party with people straight out of the looney bin.  And of course we can trust strangely colored mushrooms, mysterious drinks, and these

Hey, Alice.  Last time I was told “Eat Me.”  It wasn’t an invitation.  Lay off the mushrooms.

And finally, if Disney hasn’t screwed your kids up enough.

6 ) Ducks don’t have to wear pants, Mice don’t have to wear shirts, and some dogs can be more naked than others

…By the way bacon, I know you dont like doing it but here is the card…post how you’d book it…I got your back if there is am issue with the boys…

Alright boys…here’s how it goes down:

In the opening bout
A Dream Match 30 man over the top battle royal with Kevin Nash, Kevin Sullivan, Brian Clark, Brian Christopher, and Major gunns

Match 1: While Kevin Sullivan kills everyone in the ring, he becomes distracted by Major Gunns but only momentarily, because the REAL distraction comes when the surprise entrant 6-30 is his ex-wife Nancy Benoit Zombie!

(too soon?)

In the second
KOKO B WARE EATS A SANDWICH

Match 2: Match starts hot and heavy and it’s all Koko…boy he can put away that turkey sammitch…what…you didn’t say turkey?  You said Frankie?

OH, WOW…that’s a mess…Sandwich wins!

–Three hour intermission–

The crowd gathers after the 3 hour intermission, disgruntled after they lost the raffle for the Bret Heartt autographed sunglasses (even though Hart was miss-scribbled and the sunglasses didn’t really look liked they belonged to Bret)

…but hey, the raffle ticket was only $15!  And the promoter’s son won.

Third match
War Games Style match with villanoes VI and XXII team up with the conquistadors to take on the team of Alex Wright, Lenny Lane, the original Disco Inferno and Samoa Joe

Match 3: Once all the participants get in the ring…Disco, Alex, and Lenny just keep dancing only to be attacked by their partner and all legitimately injured (What? Wrestling’s fake? Maybe, but Joe doesn’t know that).  After Joe hits his own partners with his new finisher, The Tubby Fat Fat Lard Fat Flying Whining Fat, the Villanos unmask to reveal…

Sika and Afa

Umaga

and Haku/Meng (who even as a car salesman is a bigger baddass than any wrestler alive)

These four men don’t just make Joe tap, they rip Joe’s arm off and tap for him for tarnishing the good name of wrestling Islanders for all time!

Forth match
A fifteen-man-pinfall-or-submission-elimination-dance that see Ricky Steamboat takes on Sting takes on AJ Styles takes on Jerry Lynn Takes on Jerry Flynn Takes on ten meerkats

Match 4: Steamboat comes to the ring first, followed by AJ, then Sting.  These fierce competitors glare at each other as the music hits…

Yep, they’re Japanese Meerkats…kick ass right?

And finally, Jerry Flynn hits the ring, as all the match participants, security, and referees proceed to kick the crap out of him and carry him out, despite his pleas that he’s a wrestler and not just a crazed fan who jumped the rail.  Yeah right buddy.

First eliminated: Flynn

The action continues as Steamboat hits a double cross body block on Styles and Sting, then karate chops 4 of the meercats.  Unfortunately, not understanding the rules…the rest of the meercats began licking themselves and hiding under the ring where they are promptly eaten by the Boogeyman

Second Eliminated: Meercats

Just when it looked like “The Dragon” was going to control this match he was disqualified when the ref saw a kid holding a toy, that reminded everyone how dumb Steamboat was made to look when he returned to the WWF after his World Title run in WCW

Third Eliminated: By fashion DQ Ricky Steamboat

Due to contractual obligations of the remaining participants, I was forced to turn creative direction over to TNA booking for the end of this match…

With Sting and AJ fighting tooth and nail in a classic bout…all of a sudden, former WCW talent, The Maestro shows up and starts a slow clap for the participants

only to be crushed by Awesome Kong

Not that Awsome Kong…

THAT Awesome Kong!

While all of this is going on, a wrench falls from the ceiling, AJ grabs it and nails Sting.  Just as he does, a toolbox falls from the ceiling knocking AJ out cold.  With both men out, Kevin Nash saunters to the ring, grabs the mic and utters, “See, I told you things were gonna be happening.”  The match ends in a no contest, as the announcers to go crazy…”WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!!!!!????!!!!” cries Don West.  We don’t know, NOBODY knows.

Intermission dark match
Donny Fargo takes on nightstalker.

Screw this match dude…I’m handcuffing Fargo to the ropes, and putting a Twinkie just out of reach…the old bastard will die of a heart attack, and I’ll give Stalker the night off…if somehow Fargo lives, he can move into JW Wildfire’s eagle room and be a vegetable, And bitch to Manda that JW is stiffing him when he’s spoon feeds him gravy.

Semi main event
A WW3 style bout in which the winner has to answer “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?”  Combatants include:Kid romeo, Sick Boy, Horace Hogan, Rick Fuller, Glacier, Maven, the guy from high voltage that teamed with rick steiner, bull buchanan, blitzkreig, bobby blaze, mortis, Kanyon (I know Hip), the flying dragon, Alex Wright (we were short on guys and needed him to work twice), and Lash Leroux

Semi-Main: This match starts with some confusion when 4 Flying Dragon’s show up…but one (the shortest and meanest one) seems to get the upper hand tossing the other imposter FD’s and then trying his “I’m a Fruit Bat, Mutha F@#*a” move, much to the other competitors’ dismay.

All the combatants were never seen again…AGAIN!

Main Event
A best of seven series that sees a hotdog eating and cream filling removed from a twinkie, three way dance, Ladder match between Maria, Kelly kelly, and Mickey J

Main Event:  Really I mean really…sounds great on paper

And I know how CHoPS hates to be corrected but this is Mickey J…even though he probably meant Mickey James…this is still good though, and he definately wins!!!

ENJOY!!!

Detective Stabler from Law and Order: SVU. (CHoPS, since you don’t own cable service, this guy is a badass)

Stabler has the perfect QB combo…a slick outer appearance, a knack for getting it done, and a bit of a dick side…just call him Brady…only not injured.

Plus stabler can sure get a lot out of merchandising…

Next to his supporting cast…at Half Back, a two-headed monster of sorts who has the speed to make it down the field:

They’ll get into the end zone…as long as Myles Mayhem doesn’t kidnap them AGAIN!!!

At Full back…an off-season free agent acquisition from overseas:

A KANGAROO!!!! I mean c’mon…you’d sign him.

Next, is the wide receivers:

Paris Hilton eating a Cheeseburger…let’s face it, her dumb ass appears everywhere else (plus I’ve watched film on her…she’s a REALLY GOOD RECEIVER)

At the other WR we have:

HURRICANE IKE…that SOB moves fast, can catch anything (picnic table, tree, house), plus he’s a long distance guy…hell he streaked all the way to Indiana, you think he can’t go 100 yeards?

My next draftee…is quite an Iron Man…at tight end it’s:

Robert Downey, Jr.

This guy is PERFECT for tight end…he’s managed to BLOCK all the negative press and CATCH some big praise for his latest films…plus he’s got a mechanical heart!

Under center we’ve got a big guy ready to make a big block:

“Hey what ya doin’ touchin’ mah nuts ya queer? Do it again dere, and I’ll make you mah special victim!”

Geez calm down Carl…you’ve got four O-line guys helpin’ you out and you couldn’t find 4 better:

Stylin’ and profilin’ in their team shirts it’s the 4 Horsemen!

If you think the Offense kicks butt…wait til you see the D-line:

Now just wait til you hear why I picked them…um…well…ok I just like the show ok! Plus that Bea Arthur is one BAAAAAAD MAN!

Next up at Middle Linebacker:

Yeah this guy can sneak in to just about anywhere…and nail you with a WHOPPER…look out QB’s!

At outside linebackers a couple of rocks that few have been able to conquer:

OLMEC!!! & THE AGRO CRAG

At corners, two buff dudes who are very quick:

Quick with a cheesy joke, quick with a new jingle for their advertising business, quick to change little Nicky and Alex, or wipe Michelle’s tears…and quick to pound your wide recievers to the turf!!!!

And at safety…how bout a couple of these bastards:

If they can steal your money while dancing like Michael Jackson, they sure can steal that long bomb and run it back or cut off that long run before you pick up 7 points (or a trip to the Bahamas) NO TOUCHDOWN, NO TOUCHDOWN, BIG DEFENSE….STOP!!!

And finally the all important kicker…our team had to let our veteran kicker go when they realized that he sucked for obvious reasons…

He had no feet! We need to sign someone with feet….

….good feet

….strong feet

….big feet

PERFECT!!!!

WHAT…IS…THE DEAL

with Lucky Charms?

The commercial still plays in my head…Lucky is getting out smarted by the kids of cereal land…but remains jolly as he sings of his…Pink Hearts, Orange stars, Yellow moons, Blue diamonds and Green clovers.

Simple…Easy…Classic.

You know, I wasn’t even offended as a carefree 4-year old when they added the oh so magical Purple horseshoes.

But my friends…things have gotten way out of hand. These simple sugar charms of luck have been watered down so much…you’d think I was putting skim milk on them (that’s just wrong people).

Now I do remember being a little older and being pissed off at the addition of the red balloon. Why is that lucky?

Maybe, just maybe, it was a way for the little guy to pay tribute to his wilder days in the eighties. It’s a little known fact that Lucky lost his virginity in ’85 to a pixie after enjoying bowl of marshmallow goodness and listening the sounds of Nena’s “99 Luftballoons.” The next morning, she got clingy…he got nervous…gave her a blue diamond…but I digress.

Have you looked at a box of Lucky Charms lately? As I resumed my morning cereal enjoyment I grabbed a box and couldn’t help but notice in big letters: NEW HOURGLASS MARSHMALLOWS!

WTF, dude…you’ve gone off the deep end. But wait, that’s not all. Where are my original charms I grew to love? Well I managed after much digging to find a pink heart, and quite a few horseshoes. And wait…when the hell did the moons turn blue? As a matter of fact this doesn’t look like the cereal I knew at all.

So instead of the easy to repeat color/charm combo, we now have: Yellow trippy mushroom with orange leaves, Blue frickin’ moon, gay pride symbol, White volcano speweing forth orange molten lava, red sack of crap, Purple footwear from a gimp horse, good ‘ol Pink Heart, and Green Clover…now being grown in Hydroponic box.

So it seems as if some of the classics are missing and other classics have been modified…and don’t blink or the hearts will disappear before you know it. If you don’t believe me, just look at the chart prepared by my assistant Sarah…

The world is changing people…and we must do something. Maybe Lucky has given in to corporate pressure. He already gave into the pressure to stay young and hip by getting plastic surgery and botox. What’s next?

At least they still taste the same…For now.

That’s the deal with Lucky Charms!

Do they know the Bandits or what!

http://tv.telemundo.yahoo.com/donabarbara/index.html?__source=ggl&sky=ggl|CntIMG