Sorry New Orleans, I plan on rewriting that statement to BEWARE OF A BANDIT AND HIS HOT WIFE.  Heads are going to roll.

here are 10 things that will make my short trip all the more memorable.

10.  I want challenge someone to a duel…

…dressed like a cat.

9.  I want to spend an entire night insulting drunk people while being even more drunk

“Nice Table cloth bitch, your dudes neck skin makes him look like a ventriliquist dummy”

“Hey you’re busted, I’ll give you a girls gone wild shirt if you put this cigarette out in your eye.”

“Jesus is your father, lord and Savior…and you’re doin’ daddy proud!!!”

8.  I want to fight an alligator.

exactly.

7.  I want to leave my mark on the french quarter

So much that they rename it the Irish half

6.  I want to fight…

…everything

5.  I want to fight another alligator

YES

4.  Introduce the big easy to hurricane chops

this plus this

equals hurricane CHoPS

3.  Lead a revolt

Against what? …sobriety

2. fight an alligator

you’re going down gator
1.  get picked up by the saints in time for the playoffs

…good enough

Here are five things that would have gotten me to the polls

5. JETPACKS

-cost effecient
-few fatalities
-awesome helmets
—simply put, give me a jetpack and I will vote for you

4. Trampolines

-the elected canadate must give their acceptence speech bouncing on a trampoline

3.  Ninja, Pirates, dinosaurs and bandits

The army is replaced with cloned dinosaurs, the marines replaced with ninjas, the navy replaced with pirates and the air force bandits

2.  Special needs

I will only vote for a candidate if their running mate has one leg and can ride a unicycle…bonus points if they are a minority, female or transgendered

1.  They would have to promise to make good on the gift given to us by the french: The Statue of Liberty!!! and in return we give them a GIANT JERRY THE GIRAFFE STATUE!!!

Till then…

10)  World Peace
-we’d immediately end civil conflict with war-ing nations and make it up to them with a bottle of heaven hills vodka.  If they are still d-bags the Bandits will be mobilized you kick the shit out of them with Mag-lites and do headstands

9)  Civil rights
-you can marry whom ever or what ever the fuck you want…but only if you can make it through the 6 hour bandit mandated ceremony while drunken headstanding

8.) Womens Rights
-to be hot and do headstands

7) Minimum wage
-to be lowered to 1.00 an hour (equivalent to a double cheese burger an hour) and a bottle of heaven hills vodka a day.  Raises will be based on (head standing) performance reviews

get a job kid

6) Health care
-the government will provide health care to those injured when they are sober, or headstanding.  If you were drunk when you got hurt, fuck it, get drunk again

head stand induced paralysis

5) Immigration
-What is the issue?  I think Heaven hill makes Tequila, and probably what ever the hell Canadians drink.  Headstands are the universal language.

all of these men are fluent in head stands

4) legalizing weed
-why would you want to do that?  people are more entertaining drunk, and far more likely to hurt themselves.  Headstand.

7 1/2 people die every year due to drunken head stands

3) Foreign trade
-what ever that is.  get drunk, take it from Canada.  celebrate with our friends from the south with a united head stand

someone neutered uncle ted

2) On shore drilling
-I thought we covered that in womens rights-ZANG! Oh and here I’d like to make a sexual reference to doing it while head standing.

1) Touch down dances
-Fuck yeah.  more sports should include dancing, booze and headstands.

headstand failure

and seeing as how I’m posting this I’m naming myself the VP…my platforms are the same…just substitute spin kicking for headstands

This post is sponsored in part by Heaven Hills one liter jug vodka.  Why pay for less booze, when they all taste like ass…GET THE MOST ASS FOR YOUR BUCK

please head stand responsibly

But What about those times when you fill with glee just to pull and get “SORRY, PLEASE PLAY AGAIN.” Two points here…First, no they’re not sorry, and Second you consider going to buy another drink to play again rather than just refilling the one you already have and considering it your free large drink.

Here are ten things the tabs could say that would make losing suck less.
10.  Your plans are foiled once again.
“Curses!”

9.  Four trees were cut down to make this one pull tab, so you lost out on some free fries, your great grand kids lost out on some oxegen.

8.  You have a better chance of getting hit an SUV driven by a soccer mom on her cell phone than winning a free meal.  you should’ve just eaten a grilled cheese at home.

7.  When you were a child and lost a tooth you’d put it under your pillow for your parents to play tooth fairy and leave you a quarter.  you’ve lost but if it makes you feel any better take this tab and your cheese burger to the counter and the kid behind the counter will replace the pickles with a quarter.

6.  Wallow in your sadness.  continue to fail at games you have no control over

5.  You win a Free Sandwich with extra toppings you don’t really want or like and we’re going to charge you more for it too.

4.  the person accross the table from you masturbates with the same kind of vegetable oil we use on our freedom fries.

3.  This restaurant failed its last two health inspections

2.  No one likes a bragart and once again you have nothing to brag about.

1.  Schvetbandits.com

So 4 of the 5 Bandits have lived in Bowling Green KY, It’s where everything started.  Home of the hilltoppers.

This is just beside the clock tower.  Bacon and I jocked air shifts not 500 ft from this.  Ladies and gentle bandits, the person on the ground is not a sniper…and as it turned out isn’t even armed.  Three points to make here.
1)  Why the fuck is the person on the bench behind them so fucking calm?

“Not mind me officer, I’m just hanging out between classes…nice boots.”

2)  That’s a loaded fucking assault rifle.  Made for a war zone.

not that kind of warzone…

and

3) McCain ‘08

Oh’ and by the way, if at any point you’re held to the ground by a cop with a comb-over with an assault rifle, go ahead and shit your pants…no one will blame you

Since then, President Ransdell has been quoted as saying–

“Any threat or aggressive behavior will be taken seriously.  I must state that uncontrolled aggressive behavior in this world of catastrophic events has consequences which often go beyond the individuals involved.”

Immediately you might say that that is logical.  I’ll sum things up like this.  The campus lockdown that took place was reasonable.  An investigation–awesome.  Increased patrols to resolve the situation—rad.  But pinning a kid to the ground at gunpoint, after ONE report from a witness that did not give their name to authorities of shots fired.  By the way everyone of the five arrested has been released.  ALL OF THEM.  How could police let these hoodlums go?!?! because they didn’t do anything worthy of getting a gun pulled on them.  Even if there was a physical altercation between them, the cops have pepper spray, cuffs, asp, and taser on them, given the situation, even a handgun might have been acceptable.  BUT these kids aren’t terrorists, they’re kids, rather or not they are particularly smart is yet to be seen.  Being a WKU alumni…one that had an 8 inch mohawk and clothing that was held together with a safety pin for a large portion of his college career…one that was a magnet for assholes that wanted to do nothing but start shit with him…one that was loud, and stubborn…well that could have been me.  Honestly, what if you didn’t have your cell phone on and didn’t get the text of the lockdown.  then YOU could have been happened upon by capt. comb over.  I saw this pic today and immediatly thought things were worse than what they sounded like from the AP releases.  Nope.  actually sillier.  nausiating.

I need to edit my resume from “Western KY university class of ‘05″ to “I got through WKU when the jokes were about our mascot”

Chops

So its the 75th anniversery of the release of Snakes on a Plane, and the 109th anniversery of the movie from which it was based, Jack Rabbits On a Stage Coach.

Here are 10 ideas for the new remake that is currently in the works.

10.  Shauns on a Plane.
   -that dumb little snowboarding twit has been involved in a cloning accident (following the cloneing rules from Multiplicity) bring four shauns to the coach section of a cross country flight.  They’ve talked security into letting them bring their snowboards onto the flight as carry ons.  following the rules of Multiplicity the forth shaun is an even bigger moron and brought along a circa 1987 big wheel. 

9.  Simmons on a plane.
   -Richard simmons on a plane…and were going to pump him full of estrogen and wine coolers.  ‘Nuff said

8.  Stuff on a plane
   -the cast has accidently booked their flight out of the south on the way to the worlds largest swap meet in Oregon.  the supporting cast has brought their swap Items in plastic shopping bags, all stored in the overhead storage compartment.  when the main characters open the overhead to grab their MP3 player, a flintstones like closet avalance takes place.  place everyone smells like, well flea market people and are wearing floral moo-moos.

7.  Shit on a Plane
   -Mothers bring newborns on a plane.  Small flight.  Small plane.  no changing area.

6.  Seal on a Plane.
   -The main character is a regional sales rep for nabisco, that fights insomnia, and the only chance he gets to sleep are on private charter flights.  due to the economy his employer starts to book others on these flights at “the right price”  as soon as the main character falls asleep he’s awakened by “kissed By a Rose”.  His entire 5 hour fight is filled with Seal tunes.  Only singles.

5.  Seals on a plane.
   -in a straight to video release, using COMPUTERS the snakes are removed from Snakes on a Plane and replaced with Seals.  Dialogue remains the same

4.  Sailors on a plane.
   -in a freak accident…the pilots on a flight home for some navel officers have gotten food poisening.  every body on the plane is in the Navy…Sea-men.  they are fucked…

3.  Sperm on a plane
   -A plane load of male porn stars, all chock full of viagra and horny goat weed gets stuck on the runway for 9 hours.  The bathroom is inoperable.  the movie is filmed and shown in real time.

2.  Snakes on a plain.
   – Snakes on a flat surface. 

1.  Samuels on a plane. 
   -Role reversal plays out as a muppet snake has to deal with 20 loud obnoxious Samuel L. Jacksons.

CHORPS JORGANSON