So lets say there is a Schvetbandits movie….
lets also say that I own a time traveling Delorean….
and an unlimited budget….
and no rating system…
Here is how the cast would shape up

Dilznic would be played by:

Nostradamus
-pray…SERIOUSLY PRAY that at some point you’ll get a  late-night drunk dial from DILZ…The language there in can only be described as prophetical.

CHoPS would be cast by

5 Ninjas
-Because 6 would just be too much of a handful on the set.

Bacon hits the screen as

Captain Lou Albino
-has to be wearing his own gimmick shirt of himself dressed as a bullfighter. ZANG

Mav steals the heart of many (VERY) young ladies (or guys) as…

Mark Summers…Not this one ^ the young super sloppy double dare one
-seriously, who else better mirrors an OCD clean freak, that primps himself more than his wife THAT surrounds himself with messy slobs

Danger will rock the stage (screen) as

A robot from the future
-…SENT TO THE PAST TO DESTROY YOU WITH ROCK!!!…Nostradamus knew it was gonna happen…lets hope he can get along with the ninjas

AND FOR THE SUPPORTING CAST…

Allison—the lady that tamed Dilz

The Pussycat dolls-
all of em…thank me later Dans-tradamus

Lori…Bacons Sugar mama

Rachael Ray and oscar the grouch
-Lori and Bacon spend alot of time in the kitchen “cooking”

Jessica…the only girl tough enough to deal with the neurosis of five ninjas

Betty Page
-My wife dresses like this every where she goes

Cassie

Hannah Montana
-sorry Cassie…Its a burn on Mav, not you.  But billy ray will make an appearance as jack as a consolation.

Ashley-Dangerous’ lady

Cat Von D
-and why not, we owe it to the terminator for sponsoring the Super bowl

What would be a bandit movie without Hipster:

K-fed
-For two reasons 1)  Hip  is the real father of  both Brittany and Jamie Lynns’ babies and 2) he too wears socks with sandals…pull your pants up

H…Always ready to throw down…or up…either way

A guy on stilts…Preferably a mime on stilts…but we’ll take the point guard from the bulls if we have to

Rya–the lush…for the most vindictive reasons…Hey its my Delorean, I’m driving, plus in the special features Capt. lou will beat him up

This guy (Himself)-this one is for you Mav…It makes up for the Hanna Montana joke.  Oh, and by the way that was my movie ninjas. never fuck with a bandit

THIS MOVIE IS RATED NC-SH55 FOR EXCESSIVE NUDITY, BALL SLAPPING, CONSUMPTION OF BOOZE, VIOLENCE, SEXUAL CONTENT, GAY STUFF, RIM JOBS, SELF INFLICTED INJURY, FINGERS IN BUTTS, INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A VACUUM, APPROPRIATE USE OF A VACUUM, LACK OF COASTER USE ON A COFFEE TABLE WITH A CONDENSATING DRINK FROM ARBYS, AND THE SEX.

COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU IN SPRING 2005