So I know this guy, his name is Jack StAttiC. He’s nuttier than a fruit bat. Many a scholar study Jack, and his history. Here are the findings, with a special edition exclusive to schvetbandits.com
Vol. 1–this were the original study that lead to the destruction of interest in the olympics
1. Jacks favorite color is yellow.
2. Santa claus tried to sit on Jack Stattics’ lap and Jack armdrag-ed him and gave him a leg drop. take that santa!
3. Jack does NOT like children, so much that he once got a job as an ice cream man, drove slowly through many neighborhoods, and playgrounds, but refused to stop
4. one time jack stattic built a home for a bum, helped him move in and then…Jack burned the the house down. When the bum moved back into his cardboard box Jack dumped a bucket of water on it.
5. jack stattic has ridden a polar bear, after the polar bear had the ability to spear fish
6. when jack stattic writes poetry doves cry and its rains purple
7. jack stattic doesn’t call it going to work…he calls it trying not to get fired for cussing at the general public
8. jack stattic once ate an entire ginger bread house, and then sold the left over real estate to build overpriced gingerbread apartments
9. jack stattic feeds the animals when he goes to the zoo
10. if jack stattic were to go to the moon, he would refuse to moonwalk, but force the moon to jack-walk
vol 2.–this followed many catastrophes, namely Taylor Swift
1. Jack sunk the titanic…SHHHHH!!!! don’t tell anyone…
2. Jack StAttiC helps people crossing the road…then he sets their sneakers on fire
3. Jack refuses to cow tip…however cow exploding isn’t out of the question
4. Jack StAttiC dropkicked your grandma, scissor kicked your grandpa, leg dropped your mom, pushed your sister off the front porch, hid the remote control, elbow droped your kitten (wasn’t properly saddled), and moved the driver seat of your car out of place.
5. Jack StAttic loves night court.
6. Jack StAttiCs grandpa was Smash Smitherton StAttiC… a warhammer wielding viking. As a right of passage Smash made his 4 year old grandson wrestle: 6 alligators, four cheetahs, 16 soccer moms and a guy in a Big Bird suit…prior to jack the gators and soccer moms devoured Jacks would be siblings and cousins……..Smash died a year later (Smash Smitherton StAttiC-1632-1987 RIP)
7. Tell your aunt Jenny Mae to stop calling Jack…seriously I’m not internested and this is getting creepy
8. Jack StAttiC is NOT former America Gladitor Gemini…against the popular belief of internet jerks
9. Jack StAttiC once traveled with a group of gypsies learning their ways and lifestyles… and their recipes (BONUS FUN FACT: Jack is a great cook)
10. Jack StAttic once watched his former college roomate Danny Dilznic punch a hole in the fabric of reality, Jack soon after stood up on a stack of Better homes and gardens magazines and urinated into the hole and into an alternate reality…take that jerks…
Vol 3–this resulted in the building of an arc to vanquish the world from the sins of Jack StAttiC…Jack stole the keys and gave them to heath ledger…you can figure out where that is going
1. Jared from subway tried the Jack Stattic diet first…5 low carb knuckle sandwiches a day…
2. Jack kills people with kindness…and they actually die
3. Jack gave up spear fishing for fist fishing
4. Jack Stattic gave up religion for lint…so far so good
5. Jack Stattic is going to run for president in 2045 when elections are settled by bar fights and your term in office lasts until you get the hiccups
6. Jack Stattic doesn’t need an alarm clock…he is an alarm clock. Think about it for a second
7. When the carnival came to town Jack shaved the bearded lady, and liberated the goat boy
8. Before the time of man dinosaurs ruled the world and before the time of Jack the world was overcome with suck
9. When Jack breathes wildfires start in California, when he holds his breath avalances wipe out most of colorado… its a vicious cycle
10. Its better that your redneck girlfriend not meet Jack Stattic…she’d think his tractor was sexy (amongst other things
Vol. 4…this study follows the Brad Bacon-Paris Hilton-Roger Clemons sex tape
1. Jack can’t jump rope…so stop asking to double dutch–seriously
2. Your father and Jack StAttiC have a lot in common, just ask your mom
3. Jack is the reason for high fuel prices, and the recession and the cancellation of saved by the bell the college years
4. Jack is going to poor ice water on your fire works
5. If you feed Jack StAttiC after midnight you’ll end up with 4 more fatter JACK StAttiCs’
6. Jack Believes in animal rights…such as a cats right to choose, and a dogs right to vote
7. Jack was a but confused by the season finale of lost
8. StAttiC is not coming to your birthday party. STOP ASKING
9. one time Jack StAttiC got in a pool after he ate and didn’t wait thirty minutes…nothing happened
10. In Jacks’ free time he sails the seven seas looting and pillaging small islands
Vol.5 –this study stems from the awesome power of the Martha Stewart-Shaq love child
1. Once a decade StAttiC eats shit and craps Taco Bell.
2. Fantasy football for Jack includes, three cheerleaders, a football and cleats.
3. In 2005 StAttiC traveled to Europe, reassembled the Berlin wall, postered it with OSW event posters and gave Vladimir Putin a wedgie.
4. Jack doesn’t eat meat…it helps you grow.
5A. In 2006 StAttiC disassembled the Berlin wall that he previously reassembled, for ‘Merica and freedoms. Then dug up Gorbachev and gave the corpse an atomic wedgie….
5B. StAttiCs’ atomic wedgie is listed as a weapon of mass destuction under the patriot act.
6. Jack drives around a matress with a van in the back giving kids to little candy. MAKE LESS SENSE, I DARE YOU!!!
7. Jack StAttiCs Atomic wedgies are actually radioactive. Its okay, they cure cancer too.
8. Jack StAttiC bathes with steal wool, shaves with a switch blade and rinses with rubbing alcohol.
9. Jack StAttiC does not like children…unless they are cooked properly.
10. StAttiC once ate a dozen eggs raw, then shit two birthday cakes, and loaf of bread. This means that Jack is an easy bake oven.
Vol. 6—exclusive to SCHVETBANDITS.com
1. Jack sneezes purple skittles that taste like orange–the color, not the fruit.
2. Jack StAttiC was in your home sniffing you wifes underwear, she should eat less taco bell
3. Jack may have a broken collar bone, he also may have found a way to time travel…the collar bone is the likelier of the two
4. Jack was in your home replace your porn with episodes of the Teletubbies…seriously, get a life that was a lot of teletubbies
5. Jack is going to stare at your girlfriends boobs when you try to talk to him in public.
6. StAttiC once fought a bull. it was easy, jacks’ read Matthew Leskos book. (yes that is all one fact)
7. Jack Stattic was wondering if your mom would be interested in starting a tag team…probably not the kind of tag team you are thinking of
8. Carrie Underwood once touched the small of Jacks’ back, she hasn’t washed her hand since…she should though, Jack sweats a lot.
9. Jack believes in the rights of an animal…to maul the shit out of you
10. Jack was in your home…and still is.
More studies to follow…learn more at myspace.com/jackstattic