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danger

Grand Theft Auto 4 from the bedroom

04.29.08 | 3 Comments

So last night me and Chops decided to venture to the fantastic world of Walmart to pick up the next gen console version of the Grand Theft Auto series. It really was just a spur of the moment thing. Wrestling was on, we kept seeing commercials for it, and I was l was like, that comes out tonight at midnight. Unfortunately our buddy Dilz was busy with fighting off the LA crowd at his Gamestop so he couldn’t send me a copy via mail and I really didn’t feel like waiting a few months before I joined in on the hype. So in typical Danger fashion, I said I was going to get it, and going to get it now. This is a common thing with me folks. I see something I want, and I take it. So anywho, few hours moves forward I pick up Chops and we go to Walmart (since Murray won’t have a EB Games til next year). We had devised a plan to grab 19 items of random products and scratch the barcodes.

We ended up with

Potatoes

well thats what we were gonna do, but we decided to stand in line behind about 6 kids and make fun of them during the waiting period. Then I decided I would mess with everyone coming in line because they all asked the same damn question.

“Is this the line for Grand Theft Auto?” – stupid kids who all were under 18.

And my response without any hesitation.

“No, this is the line for the movie 27 Dresses”

The faces of the kids looked like this.

Shocking!

yeah, had the top hat and all.

Then they’d see the line was going all the way back to the shoes section, and that there was a giant sign that said XBOX 360 GTA4.

We proceeded to tell other people that this was the line for

1) Returns

2) Crazy Taxi

3) Go-Phones

4) Harry Potter’s new book.

I dont think it was the wait that was horrible, but more of the Gaming MARKS as the guys in the wrestling industry call the fans who think they know everything.  The kid in front of us who looked like the guy in the top right hand corner of this badass Golden Eye picture from N64, had been in line first but somehow got backwards and was facing the wrong way and ended up 6th in line.

Golden Eye

to which he complained the whole time on how he was suppose to be first.

Dear Kid,

NO ONE FUCKING CARES. You’re gonna get the GODDAMN GAME So quit being a bitch.

Then the other 5 dudes, all accompanied by some sort of 18-25 year old were completely haggard MARKS.

They talked about Gears of War, Halo, Super Smash Brothers, wOw, were decked out in Gaming Gear, hats, shirts, shoes, pants, Master Chief Helmets, really bad

They went on and on to say how late they were gonna play on a school night and that they were gonna find a hooker in the game first thing and bang her (*started pelvic thrusting – not shitting you).

It went like this

Billy: Man this game is gonna be so awesome.

Tom: Yeah, the first thing I’m gonna do is get a hand job from a hooker! (*snorts, adjusts glasses)

Gamer

Tom’s Sibling: Dude shut the fuck up, why the hell am I buying this for you, and none the less why are you paying $20 of it in quarters.

Luckily the line finally started moving because I was gonna start throwing nerds across the clothing aisle.

Phil, our friendly walmart friend knew I had to also get another item that was being released which we mentioned earlier via request from my wife.

So I shouted Phil, hit me up with a copy of 27 Dresses.

Phil: Widescreen or Full

Me: Widescreen, none of that full screen shit

Gamer Nerds: You know how we know you’re gay?

Me: You know how I know that I don’t have to get handjobs from video game hookers? It’s this pink DVD case and this wedding ring on my hand.

Gamer Nerds (hide in shame as they will never get laid in RL)

Another win for Danger.

So we get the game, drop Choppers off, head to my house to play for 10 minutes then go to bed due to work obligations in the morning.

So I start the game up, pretty magical graphics, as the wife tells me that she doesnt want our children playing games like this until they are old enough (which I agree, games are WAY to sexual now or days)

So blah blah blah, intros, finally I get to drive a car.

my lovely wife: “You’re a Horrible Driver”

Me: ” honey, currently I’m learning the mechanics” (knowing she could probably drive better in this game than me since I’m more of a gun slinger and fighting kind of guy)

my lovely wife: “you about hit that guy” (as I drive on the sidewalk)

Me: ” I know” (knowing purposely I wanted to hit him)

my lovely wife: ” why are you getting out of the car” (I got bored of the car I was driving)

Me: ” this is my checkpoint the arrow told me to go here”

my lovely wife: ” why are you punching those people, they didnt do anything to you” (had angst)

Me: ” I was saving him from eating that hotdog he was buying from the vendor” (hotdogs are evil)

my lovely wife: ” now you’ve made all those people mad, you best run” (decided to listen to her)

Me: ” I am but I’m gonna push this guy first” (proceeds to punch an old man square in the jaw)

my lovely wife: ” why are you running in a circle, you’re not getting away” (saw it in a movie once)

Me: “I’m trying to confuse them and lose them by running in a circle, if someone I was chasing ran in a circle I’d get confused and stop getting angry at them” (knew it wouldn’t work)

Then I got hit by a car.

and beat down by about 20 civilians. All because I pushed and punched a guy getting a hotdog.

my lovely wife: “I’m going to bed”

me: ” me too”

I love my wife, she always makes me laugh for being cute.

So to conclude, GTA4 seems like its gonna be awesome, extreme gamer nerds are annoying as piss,  my wife is the bomb and I <3 her, and I presume I’ll be watching 27 Dresses tonight.

27 Dresses

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