Most of you know as an Engineer I have to be a night watchman at times. So while I’m remoted into a computer at 2am working, I typically have the TV on as background noise so I dont fall asleep and then the stations blow up for some odd reason( never fails). Well you’ve seen them, we’ve all seen them. But one man stands out over the guy in the dollar sign suit, the japanese man who is like, “look at all my money, you have no money, I have women”, and there’s the random women who are like, ” blah blah blah, I work from home”. But the man we all know

(Billy Mays will destroy you with his blank stare)

sidenote 2: (print this picture out for your halloween costume)

Billy Mays, not to be confused with Willie Mays

(I’m no longer with the world)

Billy Mays sells everything.

Just a list of his products

• OxiClean (looks like every other clothes cleaning product)
• Orange Clean, Orange Glo (it smells like orange starbursts, thats’ about it)
• Hercules Hook wall hangers (actually forged from the bones of vikings)
• Simoniz Fix It Scratch Remover (doesn’t fix cars that are broke)
• Ding King automotive dent remover (it’s a fucking plunger, buy one at walmart for cheaper)
• Zorbeez absorbent towels (Bounty is the quicker picker up asshole)
• Lint-B-Gone lint brush (gay)
• Samurai Shark knife sharpener (no ninjas included)
• Liquid Diamond car waxing product ( no different than other polish)
• Awesome Auger Ground Auger, Weed Auger, and Power Extender gardening tools (wtf?) Seriously, can you see an elderly man using this thing? NO
• Turbo Tiger vacuum cleaner (it sucks..no pun intended)
• FreeFone wireless phone holder (why the fuck are you talking on the phone while driving)
• Handy Switch remote light switches (stop being lazy people)
• Micro-Men Duster ( To dust off the drivers of micro machine cars)
• FoneFree wireless cellphone headset (so now there’s two products you have to buy)
• Easy Off Bam!( I thought it was called oxiclean?)
• Sealtite Tire Sealant (fix a flat is easier to get and cheaper)
• Currie Motors Chrysler Credit Hotline (this is where Mays has gone too far)
• Vidalia Slice Wizard (oooo, pussy can’t chop an onion with a knife)
• Vidalia Chop-it (along the same lines)
• Bloomin’ Onion Maker (Go to outback cause how many times do you seriously eat a bloomin onion daily?)
• Steam Buddy wrinkle remover/creaser (it’s called an iron moron)
• Cutco Kitchenware (you already sold ninja knives)
• Street Options Auto Accessories (hey, we have an Autozone, Advanced, NAPA, and O’Reilys)
• Energize energy supplement (steriods)
• EngraveIt (carve your own tombstone)
• Kaboom! (how about KaDONT)
• Never-Scrub tile cleaner ( now we’re just really lazy)
• Sandstrom OnTV (As apposed to the dessert?)
• Mighty Mend It (glue, is it made from elk blood?)
• Big City Slider Station (move a whole city with you when you move)
• Gopher reach extending tool (gophers have tools?)
• Mighty Putty (originally it was called FLOAM)
• Handy Switch (call an electrician, you’re house just caught fire)
• iCan Benefit Group (pyramid scheme)
• Swiffer SweeperVac (now, I’ll give you a hi-5 for this thing)

(FUCK YEA, I’m a SUPER SMART AT INVENTING!)

Mays got into the business in 1993. He met a guy, who knew a guy, who’s brother did this stuff or something with Orange Clean. So after wrestling in a match with the Ghost of Andre the Giant managing him against the ghost of Ravishing Rick Rude,

(real life event that happened in a subway car)

(Tattoo burned into Rick Rudes skin by oxi-clean)

Billy Mays was born for stardom.

So he took off, and invented the internet, the dodge dakota, river dancing, and the tv series law and order.

My big thing is, why in the hell is this guy on TV? Never the less, at 2am every frickin morning on TBS or the local Fox channel. His formula for trying to sell things.

1) A beard.

a) Beards can be grown.

b) Beards can be manufactured.

2) Loudness

a) Can be achieved through Speakers

b) Can be achieved if you’re Jimmy Hart

3) Pure bullshitting

a) genetically

b) told to say so by the higher ups.

So why don’t we sell things?

All of us have these abilities, and bring WAY more to the table. Whats he got? A beard, a loud mouth, and he looks like one of the village people. So all we have to do is find a product that we can sell, or make. I am a firm believer of Cat Saddles.com (c)

I guess I’m just really sick of seeing this guy steal glory from Ron’s Cutlery Corner.

(Hi, I’m Tom, I got a giant fuckin SWORD for you Billy)

To round it off, Don’t buy from Billy Hays. He’s an asshole with products you can go to the local hardware store or lowes, or walmart and pick up for cheaper.

(SURPLUS BABY Geeeeyeeeeeeah)