Okay, before you jump to conclusions allow me to defend my post title. Sure not all of the Bandits are driving “Old Man” cars, but oh my friends… some of them are! This fact of course doesn’t deny any Bandit coolness or lovin’, except Bacon. But his lack of lovin’ isn’t a result of his ride, it’s a result of her’s…. ZING! Because, you know… she doesn’t wanna…
Back on track. Some Bandits drive cars that lack the coolness of say, Knight Rider:
or the Batmobile:
or the frickin’ Delorean:
Without further ado…
THE ULTIMATE “OLD MAN” CAR COUNTDOWN!
Yes, I know Danger drives an Altima, which is not an “Old Man” car, in fact it’s quite cool. White is a nice color, very fresh and clean, the car has aluminum wheels, good sound system… but, it doesn’t talk to us, go back in time, or drive on the ceiling. Therefore it’s too old for a Bandit. Not to mention because he smokes it smells like this lady is constantly riding around with him.
“Mind pulling over up here, I’m out of tampons and Funyuns.”
Nissan Altima, on a scale of of 1 to 5, get’s…
One Abe Vigoda!
Next up on this list is Dilz. Dilz, I’ll be honest man, no one knows what you drive, or if you drive. I can only assume that living out in California that you must drive a trolley.
Or wait, that’s San Francisco. Dan lives in Los Angeles. He must drive something really cool then right? Something cool, like a car from a MOVIE!
Geez, I really thought Hollywood had some cooler cars to offer up.
Movie Cars, on a scale of 1 to 5…
Two Abe Vigodas!
Oh, that’d be the guy that drives his Dad’s old car. Yeah, I said it… Old and Dad and Car and His, all in the same description. Yeah, you’re lucky your car is black. Otherwise you’d be number one on this list.
There’s CHoPS ride, way over there in that field. Nice and luxurious. You might notice the footrest there in the back, sure, it’s made of old coke cans and Taco Bell bags, but your feet have never been comfier. I’m seriously most disappointed in you CHoPS and your choice of vehicle. I always pictured you driving a Chopper.
Acura, on a scale of 1 to 5…
3 Abe Vigodas!
Oh Bacon, why do you want to buy that maroon car! No one likes a maroon car. Don’t justify it by calling it red, we all know it’s maroon. And maroon is what sissy boys and old men drive.
Yeah, check that out ladies. And he wonders why Lady Bacon would rather play Mario Party with my wife than give him snuggles and other things married people do. Can you imagine passing one of these on the road and seeing someone young driving it? Yeah, didn’t think so. Below is a more likely scenario.
“Oh wow Bessie, check out that lovely car parked out front of Richardson’s Nursing Home. I would drive one of those any day.” – Harold (Old Guy)
Chevy Malibu, on a scale of 1 to 5…
5 Abe Vigodas!!!!!!
Well folks, that just about does it. Thanks for joining us for this run down of The Bandits and the Cars they drive.
No, fine I’ll do me too. But it won’t be pretty. Oh no, it won’t be pretty. It’ll be ugly like Betty, or a duckling.
I drive… a Lincoln. Yeah, a Lincoln. A car named after our 16th President, that is if our 16th President had LS tagging the end of his name.
Yeah, I know right. It’s kinda cool. But, here’s the thing I didn’t realize when I purchased this Red Demon. Fine, Maroon Demon. True story, the average age of owners of Lincolns is 84. That’s the average. That means there’s me, and thousands of 85 year olds driving these things, and 3 Thuglife Spinner Rim Riderz. I’ve constructed a pie chart to help you grasp these figures.
Lincoln LS, on a scale of 1 to 5…
5 Abe Vigodas and a Bea Arthur!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, congrats Bandits, you drive old people cars. You should be proud.
Well, I gotta go, Matlock is on.
Bandits crossing… please take caution, and keep your music down, you don’t want to upset them.